Ever catch someone’s eyes glaze over mid-conversation and wonder if you said something wrong?
I used to think I was a pretty good conversationalist. After all, I’d studied psychology, I was genuinely interested in people, and I always had something to contribute. But then I started noticing the subtle signs: the forced smiles, the shortened responses, the friends who suddenly became “too busy” to hang out.
The truth hit me like a cold shower. I was exhausting to be around, and I had no idea.
Looking back, I cringe at some of my old habits. The constant need to one-up every story, the unsolicited advice-giving, the way I’d dominate conversations without realizing it. These behaviors were pushing people away, and I was completely oblivious.
If you’ve ever wondered why some social interactions feel harder than they should, or why certain relationships seem to fizzle out, you might be making some of these same mistakes. The good news? Once you recognize them, they’re surprisingly easy to fix.
1. You turn every conversation into a competition
Someone shares a story about their weekend hiking trip, and before they’ve even finished, you’re already launching into your epic mountain climbing adventure from last summer.
Sound familiar?
This was my signature move for years. Growing up as the quieter brother, I thought I needed to prove myself in every conversation. If someone mentioned a challenge, I’d share a bigger one. If they had good news, mine had to be better.
What I didn’t realize was that conversation isn’t a competitive sport. When you constantly try to top other people’s experiences, you’re essentially telling them their stories don’t matter. You’re not connecting; you’re competing.
Try this instead: When someone shares something, ask follow-up questions. Show genuine interest in their experience without immediately redirecting the spotlight back to yourself. You’ll be amazed at how much more people open up when they feel truly heard.
2. You give advice nobody asked for
“You know what you should do…”
These six words used to be my conversation starter of choice. Someone would mention a problem, and boom, I’d transform into an unwanted life coach, dispensing wisdom left and right.
Here’s what I learned the hard way: Most people don’t want solutions. They want understanding. They want to be heard. They want validation that what they’re going through is tough.
In my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how the Buddhist concept of “right speech” taught me to pause before offering advice. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply listen.
Before you jump in with advice, ask yourself: Did they explicitly ask for my opinion? If not, try responding with empathy instead. “That sounds really frustrating” goes a lot further than “Here’s what I would do.”
3. You dominate the conversation airtime
Have you ever timed how long you talk versus how long you listen? I did this once, and the results were mortifying.
During my twenties, while battling anxiety and an overactive mind, I’d fill every silence with words. Nervous energy would pour out as endless chatter. I thought I was being engaging, but I was actually being exhausting.
Good conversation is like tennis, not a solo performance. You hit the ball, they hit it back, and so on. But if you’re serving ace after ace without letting the other person play, they’re going to want to leave the court.
Next time you’re talking with someone, try the 30-second rule. After speaking for about 30 seconds, pause and give the other person space to respond. It feels unnatural at first, but it transforms conversations from monologues into actual dialogues.
4. You complain constantly without realizing it
“Traffic was terrible.”
“This weather is killing me.”
“Can you believe what happened at work today?”
We all complain sometimes, but some of us have turned it into an art form. I used to bond with people through shared negativity, thinking it made me relatable. Instead, it made me draining.
Chronic complaining doesn’t just affect your mood; it literally rewires your brain to focus on the negative. And worse, it’s contagious. People start avoiding you because they know every interaction will leave them feeling worse than before.
Challenge yourself to go one full day without complaining about anything. When you catch yourself about to complain, reframe it or keep it to yourself. You might be shocked at how often you default to negativity.
5. You make everything about you
Someone mentions they’re learning Spanish, and suddenly you’re talking about your semester abroad in Barcelona. A colleague shares news about their promotion, and you immediately pivot to your own career achievements.
This habit is sneaky because it often comes from a place of trying to relate. You think you’re showing empathy by sharing similar experiences, but you’re actually hijacking their moment.
I learned this lesson while observing how people interact across different cultures. In many Asian cultures, the art of listening without immediately inserting yourself is deeply valued. It showed me how self-centered my “relating” actually was.
Practice the spotlight rule: When someone shares something important, keep the focus on them for at least three exchanges before sharing your own experience. Let them have their moment.
6. You’re always checking your phone mid-conversation
Nothing says “you’re not important” quite like glancing at your phone while someone’s talking to you.
We’ve all been on both sides of this. You’re sharing something meaningful, and the person you’re with picks up their phone “just for a second.” That second feels like an eternity, and suddenly you feel like you’re competing with a device for their attention.
The message this sends is clear: Whatever’s on that screen is more interesting than what you’re saying. Even if you think you’re multitasking effectively, you’re not. You’re telling the person in front of you that they’re not worth your full attention.
Put your phone away. Not just face down, but actually away. In your pocket, in your bag, in another room if possible. The notifications can wait. The person in front of you can’t.
7. You never remember what people tell you
“Wait, remind me what you do for work again?”
“Oh right, you mentioned that last week.”
If you’re constantly asking people to repeat information they’ve already shared, you’re broadcasting that you weren’t really listening the first time. Or the second time. Or the third.
For years, I blamed my poor memory. But the truth was, I wasn’t truly present in conversations. My mind was always somewhere else, planning my next response or thinking about my to-do list.
Learning that listening is more valuable than having the right answer changed everything for me. I started taking mental notes during conversations, sometimes even jotting down quick reminders after talking with someone. When you remember that someone’s daughter just started kindergarten or that they were nervous about a presentation, it shows you actually care.
Final words
Recognizing these behaviors in yourself isn’t comfortable. Trust me, when I first identified these patterns in my own interactions, I wanted to crawl under a rock and apologize to everyone I’d ever talked to.
But here’s the thing: The fact that you’re reading this means you care about how you affect others. That self-awareness is the first step toward change.
You don’t have to overhaul your entire personality overnight. Pick one behavior to work on this week. Maybe you’ll practice asking more questions, or perhaps you’ll try putting your phone away during conversations.
Small changes lead to big shifts in how people experience you. And when you stop exhausting others, something magical happens. Conversations become energizing instead of draining. Relationships deepen. People actually seek out your company instead of avoiding it.
The journey from exhausting to engaging isn’t about becoming someone you’re not. It’s about getting out of your own way and letting genuine connection happen.
